Wow, okay so the first semester is almost over.
I've been through a lot of ups and downs lately, two mental break downs, one and a half break ups later, and I'm still alive. Sorta. Life is such a pain sometimes, it really is.
But what you get through only makes you stronger right? At least that's what I've been trying to tell myself. I guess I just needed to write you know? Just get everything out there. Be warned, this entry might be a bit on the rough side.

So college started out well, I'm still enjoying my classes but it's the outside aspect of life that's really kicking me down. I'm a heartbroken, lovesick teenager, there, I've said it. And sadly my love isn't returned. I feel sick right now with what the other person is doing at this moment but there's nothing I can do to help it. I've crashed and burned at this point and almost, well, died on Tuesday night. I'm going home early for Thanksgiving break to just get away from everything, or try to anyway. I feel like I have a hole in my chest that won't go away. When they say heartbreak hurts, it's true. I'm sure it's different for everyone, but there's still plenty of pain to go along with losing someone dear.

I've known this guy for five years. First two or so we dated, broke up, talked to each other on and off, and it's all been long distance. He came to visit me last week from November 9th to the 16th. He was standing outside of the airport on that Monday night and I thought I was dreaming. He was here, with me, after five years. I was at a loss for words, my feelings were bubbling over and I felt like crying I was so happy. I wanted to just run over and tackle him to the ground, I wanted to burst into tears, I wanted to laugh, I wanted to scream. I was overwelmed. I finally settled for calling him to see if he was real, he picked up his phone and I hung up. I got out of the car (he was facing away) and walked up to him and whispered "Boo," he turned to me and his whole face lit up and I fell head over heels at that airport. I was on cloud nine for the rest of the night.

Our week was wonderful, I wouldn't change anything for the world. Shared a lot of firsts and lots of hugs. I don't think I'll ever get enough of his hugs. I had fallen in love with this guy instantly and I fell hard, nothing I could do would change that - even now. Sure a week isn't a long time, and yea I was never one to believe in love at first sight until it happened to me. But it happened. Last week was the best week of my life. We did everything together, I was scared to let him out of my sight, thinking he might just disappear or someone else would snatch him up. My world was surrounded around this one person who I had known forever, laughed with, cried with, yelled at, and loved and still love.

He left on Monday and turned my whole world upside down. I know I wasn't losing him but it sure felt like I was. I couldn't get over the fact that he wouldn't be there when I woke up, and wouldn't be there when I turned around to tell him something exciting. He wasn't in the elevator when I was going to breakfast. His image is still with me even now. Haunts me almost. I didn't get the kind of goodbye I wanted, ride issues came up and we had to have a taxi take him back to the airport, I lost my extra two hours with him over some bitch of a friend. He hugged me and kissed me and said "Bye, I'll talk to you soon." I felt my heart break. I turned around and I didn't look back, I couldn't look back or I'd break down in the middle of the parking lot. I ran. I ran as fast as I possibly could and I saw the taxi drive off the campus from the corner of my eye. I collapsed once I got back to my dorm and just cried as hard as I had in a long time.

He called me the next day telling me that he'd arrived safely. I was happy but just broken that he was gone. He had a family to get back to, friends, and someone who wasn't and isn't me. He's with that someone right now and it's breaking my heart over and over to think about it.

I feel some what better after writing this. Getting my feelings out somehow is better than leaving them inwards. Time to go run a mile and a half.

I'll talk to everyone soon guys.

Love,
Aya